I have never dated a man.

MenDating
Written By Brenda Ramos

To me, a man is someone who is independent yet understands that all of life interdependent. He’s open emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically because he’s done the deep inner work of awareness. He has a growth mindset. Maybe he’s gone to therapy or hired a life coach. He loves life and can be silly at the right times and laughs at himself often. He trusts himself fully and that trust carries over to the people he’s in a relationship with. He is passionate about the work he does in the world because he knows he can affect a person’s mood and/or mindset. He is generous and kind and can compassionately communicate his likes, dislikes, and boundaries. And if he cooks too? DAAAAAAMMMNNNN!!!

Life in the time of Corona has been amusing, to say the least. I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life and contemplate what I want to change. Recently, I was thinking about my past relationships. I don't have a good record.

I sat with my dating history and can honestly say; I've never dated a man.

Sure I've messed around with dudes, I've hooked up with guys, and I have certainly dated man-babies but haven't YET been with a man.

This realization has me asking myself:

  • What makes a man?

  • What qualifies a man to be a "good" man?

  • What am I attracted to in a man? In a "good" man?

  • What does a good relationship involve?

  • Am I worthy of a stable, loving, respectful, committed relationship?

I remember my very first "boyfriend" Adam. I was in the eighth grade; he was in high school. I got major dating cred from my girlfriends, but I wasn't really into him. I broke up with him on Valentine's Day.

Then there was Mikey. The father of my son who wrecked my life AND gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give a person, a son. I was a child myself, and he was a complete mess. He was my first love, lover, and the father of my only son. That's huge, but he was nowhere near ready to be the partner I needed and the father my son needed.

In college, there were a couple of flings. After I had my son, I went on my personal Sexual Revolution. I had lots of sex... lots. In one regard, it was incredibly liberating, sexy, sensual, and lots of wild fun. In another respect, it was miserable, lonely, and definitely unhealthy. I was the "cool" girl. The girl guys could chill and talk about anything with; independent and fun to be around. I had enough confidence to be great at sex with enough insecurities to be codependent and afraid of being authentic. I also had a streak of, "I don't give a fuck". Still do, which can confuse guys and make them want me.

I dated Marlon, the AAA baseball player. Domingo with the big D. Jorge the serial fling master with the thin P. Ricardo visiting from Puerto Rico who was absolutely delicious. Plus, a few others who didn't earn a mention. All guys.

I became a professional salsa dancer. I fell head over heels for Nelson and accepted a "relationship" on the DL. After years and years of drama with him, I became entangled with "the other" Nelson. I traveled all over the world. I fulfilled many of my dreams. And had three international flings to speak of: Fernando - dear lord he still is everything that wet dreams are made of; Jose Luis - kind, special, flew all the way to JC to pleasure me; Ibis - came to NY and took me to my first Marc Anthony concert. Just a bunch of dudes.

After traveling so much, I wanted to settle down. I got an office job, and I taught salsa classes, private lessons, as well as performing until 2 am at the Copacabana. I met Victor, the bouncer, and thought I could settle down with him until I realized how toxic our relationship was. There was Michael. White as a snowflake from the South without any of the southern charm plus a ridiculous slob! I so desperately wanted stability in love that I thought going vanilla was the answer. It wasn't. I took care of those two. I cooked, cleaned, and paid 90% of the bills. They were man-babies

Then there was Moises. The abusive, insecure, jealous, possessive, misogynist who proposed and I said yes to. He was funny and fun. He was desperate to marry someone, and I took that to mean he was a mature, healthy adult who was ready to marry me. I spent 24 months under his spell and broke free after the twelfth time he accused me of lying and cheating. So gross.

The gift of that farse was that I became utterly aware of my role in these sub-par relationships. I realized that I needed to heal from trauma, work on my well-being and my worthiness, and take time (lots of time) away from being in relationships.

Fast forward to today. I ponder the above questions and remain open to finding love without having all the answers. I don't have specific requirements on too many physical aspects. Personality is key. He'll be funny and fun to be around. He'll be independent and know how to give me the space I require to be myself. He'll enjoy his work and maybe even be a C-Level partner at a B-Corp. Sustainable business is essential to him. The other details are foggy, but they'll add to our compatibility.

One thing I am absolutely 100% clear on is that I won't "fall" in love ever again. Instead, I will walk hand in hand with my beloved across the threshold to the home in each other. If you're out there reading this, slip into my DMs already wontcha?!

Brenda Ramos

For quiet disruptors ready to stop performing, start feeling, and build lives rooted in inner care, collective care, and fierce love.

Brenda is a foul-mouthed, spirit-led, stardust-and-light-filled being — a complex system of atoms, neurons, and soul navigating a whole human experience in a world shaped by white supremacy, patriarchy, and extraction. Her bloodlines trace back to the Jíbaro mountain people of Borikén (colonially known as Puerto Rico). She carries the sacred, sensual, and spiritual legacy of her ancestors, rooting her life and work in ancestral knowing and embodied resistance.

She works as a caregiver, seed-planter, and possibility-holder; also known as a mindfulness-based mentor, meditation teacher, and movement guide. She supports people in recognizing where they've drifted out of alignment with their values, helping them reconnect to their body's wisdom and move toward lives rooted in reciprocity, joy, and collective care.

Brenda's study lineage includes trauma-sensitive mindfulness training with David Treleaven, dharma and liberation work with Lama Rod Owens including "The Dharma of Spiritual Abolition" and "Love & Rage," nonviolent communication with Roxy Manning & Oren Jay Sofer, transformative healing work with Toi Marie Smith, mindfulness teacher training through MNDFL (300 hours) as well as MMTCP (2 years) and Mindful Mentor Training with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. She's also trained in Reiki mastery, decolonial business practices with Gieselle Allen, and reclaiming intuition work with Dra. Rosales Mesa, among many other revolutionary teachers who've shaped her practice.

She understands that how we care for ourselves shapes how we show up in relationship, community, and the systems we participate in. Inner care is not separate from collective care, it is what makes it possible. By supporting people in coming back into relationship with themselves, Brenda helps shift how they relate to others, how they build community, and how they move through and challenge the systems shaping our lives.

Her work is liberation-centered, heart-focused, and decolonial. She leads meditation sessions at Move. Breathe. Be. JC in Jersey City Heights, NJ, creating spaces for community healing and embodied presence.

Her clients are often quiet disruptors, observant creatives and deep-feeling thinkers who once followed the rules of dominant culture but now see through its emptiness. They come with curiosity and leave with clarity, ready to reimagine themselves, their relationships, and their communities through a decolonial lens.

For nearly two decades, Brenda taught hundreds of people across the globe to access their sensual power through salsa dance. Today, she supports clients in discovering their unique rhythm and purpose through embodiment, reflection, meditation, rest, and movement; releasing internalized oppression and building lives that feel aligned, alive, and self-defined.

Brenda lives on Turtle Island as part of the Boricua diaspora on unceded Munsee Lenape land (currently known as Hoboken, NJ). She shares a home with one of her many brothers, and together they care for their 96-year-old mother—an everyday practice of devotion, dignity, and love. She brings that same care into her work and community.

She holds intersectional identities as a queer, working-class, white-presenting Boricua rooted in her lineage. She is also a sister, titi, best friend, sensual lover, committed student, dark chocolate snob, chocolate chip cookie devourer, random drooler, proud goofball, and unapologetic night owl.

When she's not caregiving, she's chillin with her son and cats, streaming her favorite shows, or dreaming, and scheming, toward liberation.

If you're done living out of alignment and ready to come home to yourself, your body, and your truth, Brenda is here to walk with you.

Connect with Brenda:

Website: Authenticwholeself.com

Instagram: @authenticwholeselfliving

https://authenticwholeself.com
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