I have never dated a man.

MenDating
Written By Brenda Ramos

To me, a man is someone who is independent yet understands that all of life interdependent. He’s open emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically because he’s done the deep inner work of awareness. He has a growth mindset. Maybe he’s gone to therapy or hired a life coach. He loves life and can be silly at the right times and laughs at himself often. He trusts himself fully and that trust carries over to the people he’s in a relationship with. He is passionate about the work he does in the world because he knows he can affect a person’s mood and/or mindset. He is generous and kind and can compassionately communicate his likes, dislikes, and boundaries. And if he cooks too? DAAAAAAMMMNNNN!!!

Life in the time of Corona has been amusing, to say the least. I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life and contemplate what I want to change. Recently, I was thinking about my past relationships. I don't have a good record.

I sat with my dating history and can honestly say; I've never dated a man.

Sure I've messed around with dudes, I've hooked up with guys, and I have certainly dated man-babies but haven't YET been with a man.

This realization has me asking myself:

  • What makes a man?

  • What qualifies a man to be a "good" man?

  • What am I attracted to in a man? In a "good" man?

  • What does a good relationship involve?

  • Am I worthy of a stable, loving, respectful, committed relationship?

I remember my very first "boyfriend" Adam. I was in the eighth grade; he was in high school. I got major dating cred from my girlfriends, but I wasn't really into him. I broke up with him on Valentine's Day.

Then there was Mikey. The father of my son who wrecked my life AND gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give a person, a son. I was a child myself, and he was a complete mess. He was my first love, lover, and the father of my only son. That's huge, but he was nowhere near ready to be the partner I needed and the father my son needed.

In college, there were a couple of flings. After I had my son, I went on my personal Sexual Revolution. I had lots of sex... lots. In one regard, it was incredibly liberating, sexy, sensual, and lots of wild fun. In another respect, it was miserable, lonely, and definitely unhealthy. I was the "cool" girl. The girl guys could chill and talk about anything with; independent and fun to be around. I had enough confidence to be great at sex with enough insecurities to be codependent and afraid of being authentic. I also had a streak of, "I don't give a fuck". Still do, which can confuse guys and make them want me.

I dated Marlon, the AAA baseball player. Domingo with the big D. Jorge the serial fling master with the thin P. Ricardo visiting from Puerto Rico who was absolutely delicious. Plus, a few others who didn't earn a mention. All guys.

I became a professional salsa dancer. I fell head over heels for Nelson and accepted a "relationship" on the DL. After years and years of drama with him, I became entangled with "the other" Nelson. I traveled all over the world. I fulfilled many of my dreams. And had three international flings to speak of: Fernando - dear lord he still is everything that wet dreams are made of; Jose Luis - kind, special, flew all the way to JC to pleasure me; Ibis - came to NY and took me to my first Marc Anthony concert. Just a bunch of dudes.

After traveling so much, I wanted to settle down. I got an office job, and I taught salsa classes, private lessons, as well as performing until 2 am at the Copacabana. I met Victor, the bouncer, and thought I could settle down with him until I realized how toxic our relationship was. There was Michael. White as a snowflake from the South without any of the southern charm plus a ridiculous slob! I so desperately wanted stability in love that I thought going vanilla was the answer. It wasn't. I took care of those two. I cooked, cleaned, and paid 90% of the bills. They were man-babies

Then there was Moises. The abusive, insecure, jealous, possessive, misogynist who proposed and I said yes to. He was funny and fun. He was desperate to marry someone, and I took that to mean he was a mature, healthy adult who was ready to marry me. I spent 24 months under his spell and broke free after the twelfth time he accused me of lying and cheating. So gross.

The gift of that farse was that I became utterly aware of my role in these sub-par relationships. I realized that I needed to heal from trauma, work on my well-being and my worthiness, and take time (lots of time) away from being in relationships.

Fast forward to today. I ponder the above questions and remain open to finding love without having all the answers. I don't have specific requirements on too many physical aspects. Personality is key. He'll be funny and fun to be around. He'll be independent and know how to give me the space I require to be myself. He'll enjoy his work and maybe even be a C-Level partner at a B-Corp. Sustainable business is essential to him. The other details are foggy, but they'll add to our compatibility.

One thing I am absolutely 100% clear on is that I won't "fall" in love ever again. Instead, I will walk hand in hand with my beloved across the threshold to the home in each other. If you're out there reading this, slip into my DMs already wontcha?!

Brenda Ramos

Brenda Ramos is a Spanglish-speaking, foul-mouthed, spirit-led, stardust-and-light-filled being: a complex system of atoms, neurons, and soul navigating a world shaped by racial empire, patriarchy, and extraction. She's a first-gen, queer AFAB woman of Borikua/Puerto Rican heritage, and was born and raised between the Borikén archipelago and its diaspora. Her bloodlines trace to the Jíbaro mountain people of Borikén, colonially known as Puerto Rico. She carries their sacred, sensual, and spiritual legacy into a life and body of work rooted in ancestral knowing, embodiment, and relationship.

Brenda is a mindfulness-based mentor and life coach, meditation teacher, and intuitive movement guide rooted in Decolonial and Indigenous praxis. Through Authentic Whole Self Living, she offers The Art of Radical Being, her Framewerk for cultivating a more trusting, embodied, relational way of living. Its five movements of coming home are Remember, Reconnect, Reclaim, Realign, and Return. They are rhythms we revisit, not steps to complete. They invite us to remember what is alive within us, reconnect with our bodies and relationships, reclaim what has been crowded out or suppressed, realign our choices with our values, and return with greater awareness and agency.

Brenda works with folks who feel they have lost parts of themselves to caregiving, aging, assimilation, or the demands of survival. She does not hand them a prescribed version of who to become. She creates conditions for them to recognize the wisdom they already carry, trust what they have been sensing, and come home to their bodies, inner knowing, roots, and relationships. Her work makes room for resonance, reciprocity, and interdependence: how we listen to what feels alive, tend what we are part of, and remember that none of us exists alone.

Living Balance is the orientation of this work. It is an embodied relationship with change, not permanent calm or perfect equilibrium. Brenda's Window of Living Balance gives language to the everyday rhythm of Leave, Pause, Notice, Return. Leaving is part of life; returning can mean resting, grieving, asking for support, setting a boundary, or simply becoming present enough to choose. Every return carries new experience.

Her formal mindfulness training includes a 300-hour Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Training through MNDFL, the two-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield, and their 16-week Mindfulness Mentor Training. Her broader study and practice draw from Buddhist and dharma teachings, trauma-sensitive mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, restorative and decolonial practices, JourneyDance, Reiki, and positive psychology coaching. She honors the lineages and teachers who have shaped her work, including Lama Rod Owens, Lodro Rinzler, Adriana DiFazio, David Treleaven, Roxy Manning, and Oren Jay Sofer among others.

For nearly two decades, Brenda taught hundreds of people around the world to access their sensual power through salsa dance. Today, movement remains a way to listen to the body, express what is alive, and reclaim joy and choice. Her practices also meet people in the ordinary fullness of life: caregiving, work, culture, grief, pleasure, conflict, and community. She writes The Practice of Tending, a newsletter exploring these relationships as an ongoing practice rather than a finished state.

Brenda lives and practices on the ancestral homelands of the Mohican and Munsee Lenape Peoples in Hoboken and Jersey City, New Jersey. She is a a program director in education advocacy, and a caregiver for her 96-year old mother, who is a cancer survivor living with dementia. She is also a mother, sister, titi, dark chocolate snob, proud goofball, and unapologetic night owl. She knows, bone-deep, that inner care and collective care shape one another. She's here to walk alongside people as they find their own ways of coming home.

Connect with Brenda:

Website: authenticwholeself.com

Instagram: @authenticwholeselfliving

Substack: substack.com/@authenticwholeselfliving

Subscribe to newsletter: Email signup

https://authenticwholeself.com
Previous

Hello, my name is Kunga Yudron! It means All-Joy Turquoise Torch.
Next

Wow!!!!!!!